~Deidar

In many instances, the life of a young university student cum writer is not very easy. We strive on our written works, as a hobby and as a way of appeasing our various creativities. There were times when I had to find slots between tight schedules to cater for my writing periods, pushing myself to create works for unknown readers. But in occasional moments, I would suffer a bout of Writer's Block...which hinders me from performing well in my hobby. I loathe the very existence of this 'est', but I realize that sometimes a writer needs some time off...thinking over ideas for too long can be bad for health.



Inspiration is a very hard thing to come by for a writer. I could not confine myself within my own boundaries...and for that, I had to delve into other subjects. I had to read reading materials concerning general knowledge, current affairs, politics, geography, languages. During my early teens, I always focused on fantasy books because I wanted to write a fantasy story. But after two years of unfinished writings and horrible hassles over rushed up plots, I couldn't make up my mind on how the story would go. So I took a three-month break, and from there I gained maturity in my written works. By discarding my outer shell piece by piece, I managed to come up and produce writings that pleased both me and my readers. However, these successes come at a price. Exhaustion was one thing, after many hours of tiring word-picking, idea-throwing and paragraph-setting. Another thing was lack of confidence. After performing an outstanding work, I was uncertain whether I could produce another good piece of work.



Writers gain readers by manipulating with their emotions. But that does not exclude us from being overcome by such sensitivities. It was a wake-up call to see how susceptible we writers are to human emotions...and I think it is a curse.

It was due to this curse that I fell in love with a girl. A girl from a different race...a different religion...and a different character. I loved he very deeply, and I was honest about my feelings to her. However, not everything was meant to be between us. The girl was deceptive, and lied to me. Had I not learned the truth from her best friend, I would have still been caught in the deception. In a fit of anger and depression, I cut off everything I had with the girl. I couldn't believe myself that I was being lied by a girl whom I showered great sincerity and honesty.

I was overcome with sadness and frustration. But, I think it is a stage that teenagers face. During my school days, I see classmates forming and breaking relationships like nobody's business. I don't want to be like that.



Sometimes I think of crying in the arms of someone I dearly love. But most of the times, I'm the one who is hugging people who needed help and a shoulder to cry on. Being a listener to other people's stories has been something I'm quite getting used to. I think it is due to this that I developed a quiet and reserved character...stoic, as what the people call it. I'm sorry. I just can't bring myself to cry in front of someone.

The only time I cried was when I received news that my grandfather passed away. I think that was the time when my emotions were in a depressing note. One of the things that touched a raw nerve in me was Ee's saying:

"The one thing that upset me during the funeral was when we passed by the house, and I was like 'Oh God, he's not coming back any more'."

By experimenting many emotions, I understood how vulnerable we humans are to our feelings.



Religion does not work for me. Sure. I still go to church and all that, but there is just less 'it' in this Christianity faith I'm following. Maybe it's due to influence from my dad that I had this perception...maybe it was Grandfather's death that altered my view...I'm not quite sure. I prefer not to discuss about religious aspects, whether in a spiritual or non-spiritual way. I try to avoid such talks, as it makes me feel uncomfortable. Plus, I must honestly say that I don't pray. I would be lying to you if I said that I read the Bible as a spiritual guide. No. I read it as any other book...a literature book, a motivational book, and a self-enrichment book.

It was because of peer pressure from my fellow church members, that I left the youth group and refused to go back there. I used to be so religious during my youth, that I talked to my father about it. I related to him about the prophecies in the Book of Revelation, how unbelievers would suffer seven years of tribulation...and how one day Jesus would one day come and take his believers to Heaven in what is known as the Rapture. My father would brush my words away, saying, "What is there to be so hyped up about religion? At the end of the day, it all boils down to moral values. Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity...they are all teaching the same thing."

Who would have thought that I would develop the same ideal as my father?

Though I have little regard for religion, I still live with human moralities. My principle in life is like what my dad used to teach me: Be humble and good to others, and stay out of trouble. I know that living a life of human conscience is not enough for a Christian believer, but that's my character.



And so...I continue my life as a student...and a writer.